October 9, 2011

Douching It Up: How I Keep My Apartment Clean

Have you ever heard the saying "cleanliness is next to godliness?"

I like this saying because I happen to ascribe a lot of value to keeping things nice and tidy. Unfortunately, my two roommates are not as inclined toward cleanliness as I am, and I find myself occasionally miffed by their failure to perform basic tasks like cleaning dishes or throwing out their trash.

Naturally, I have found that the most effective remedy for this issue is to leave a large quantity of douchey, passive-aggressive notes all over the apartment:

An optimist would say this glass is half full. I say someone needs to clean up their shit.
I am a bagel. Eat me or throw me away!
Dried pasta is only good for arts and crafts.
Place trash here:

Given enough time, evaporation will finish your drinks for you...but it sure as hell won't wash your dishes.

I would like to thank Shakespeare for this last one:

(I am deeply sorry for breaking iambic pentameter.)

2012 UPDATE:

Looks clean to me!

My roommate left this chicken breast in our fridge for about a month:

Rotting chicken in the fridge!

Do your dishes, I want to eat my cereal.


  1. haha, i love this! i saw a couple on fb but it's pretty awesome to see them all : )

  2. You are well-organized when it comes to your apartment. Even Shakespeare was engaged here, LOL. How long have you been using this method? It would be much better if you can memorize all these things. That would do great for you, and it will be a great sample to anyone that will drop by here.

  3. Haha, a nice reprimand to those who are too lazy to take up their job as apartment cleaners. =) I'm sure they are now starting to wash their own dishes - maybe even the whole kitchen.

    1. Sadly, it hasn't gotten any better. Last week, one of my roommates left the butter out for two days straight, and there was a piece of spaghetti stuck on to one of the pots he (supposedly) washed.

      Also, my other roommate started a small fire in our toaster oven— but that's a whole different issue.

    2. Hey, fires can be fun! It's only not fun till someone gets hurt

    3. Also, technically, the only picture of something of mine is the "place trash here" one. And that was just cuz I had been enjoying a nice pasta snack on the couch, perfectly normal.