February 14, 2011

Singles Awareness

Well, February 14th is here again. Many people will note that today is Valentine's Day— an annual celebration of uninhibited hallmark romance. But for many of us, February 14th marks the occurrence of another, more somber holiday known as Singles Awareness Day.

American Singles are those tasty slices of cheese that your mom used to put in your grilled cheese sandwiches as a kid. Yeah, those same grilled cheese sandwiches you used to gobble down with a cool glass of refreshing milk...you loved that shit!

mmmmm...grilled cheese
Grilled cheese sandwiches— more addictive than crack.

...except American Singles are not really slices of genuine cheese; they are thin, strangely-textured slices of 'cheese product'.

Seriously, read the package:

Always read the package.

While real cheddar is an ingredient used to make American Singles, these little golden counterfeits are not technically cheese. So those grilled cheese sandwiches you ate as a kid...those were actually grilled cheese product sandwiches.

That's right, Santa Claus wasn't the only thing your parents were lying to you about.

grilled cheese product sandwich
Your childhood was a lie. A warm, toasty, cheese-less lie.

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